I’ve often considered going back to school for psychology. I’ve always considered myself insightful and empathetic, two characteristics which seem to me to be perfect for a career as a counselor. Also, as bad as I am at heeding advice, I’m really good at giving it. I feel like I can see issues clearly and come up with peaceful resolutions — as long as they don’t involve me.
The biggest problem with my dream of saving the world as a psychologist, though, is that nearly 20 years out of university, I’m still not done paying for the degrees I have. So paying for additional schooling right now is out of the question.
But behold, Gov. Andrew Cuomo has swooped in with a plan that would help me get free college from one of 10 accredited universities in the state. All I have to do is go to prison.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not built for prison life. I’m much too pretty. But … free college? Maybe it’s worth looking into.
Like any middle-class underachieving male, I’ve occasionally thought about robbing a bank and running away to some tropical paradise — like Amherst, for example. But the downside of getting caught meant going to jail. Now, it would appear, Gov. Cuomo has sweetened the pot.
See, if I rob a bank and run away to Amherst, I’ll be set for life, living the posh lifestyle with my private tennis court and allowing my children to go to Williamsville East High School, which will allow them to get jobs in law firms and whatnot.
And if I get caught, I’ll get free room and board for a while and can continue my education all on the taxpayers' dime. Plus I’m sure that many of my “dorm mates” will be kind of messed in the head, so I’ll get all sorts of practice psychology while in the joint and can immediately open my own office when I leave in 3-5 years — with good behavior.
What a sucker I’ve been working all these years in hopes of paying off my college loans. If I had the prison-to-practice option when I was looking at colleges, I may have given serious consideration to the whole bank-robbing thing in 1992. To think, I could have been living in Amherst all along. Or at the very least, I’d be there by now.
Some people oppose the governor’s plan, saying that it’s unfair for law-abiding citizens to have to pay for school while convicts get it for free. They’re missing the point, though. They choose to be law abiding citizens. They could be convicts too if they tried hard enough. Just because they don’t have the work ethic to try to rob a bank doesn’t mean they should hold that against those who do.
Scott Leffler is a writer and editor who has actually dreamed of a career in psychology. The rest of this column may be facetious. Follow his new bank-robbing career on Twitter @scottleffler.