Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Just say no (to playoff beards)

Two weeks ago I said I was getting old because using the internet to job hunt is incredibly frustrating.

Last week I basically proved I was getting old because I don't like those newfangled bonus cards everybody makes you use.

And today I feel really old because my oldest daughter is now a teenager.

Pity party for me. You're invited.

Okay, enough with that. Now onto today's irritation: Playoff beards.

There is no political overtone to playoff beards. They just irk me. I don't get them.

For those who have known me for a while, I have in past grown the playoff beard. It was splotchy, itchy and ugly. And as you should already know, I was rooting for the Sabres, so it didn't work.

That's really my biggest issue with the concept of the playoff beard. It doesn't work.

Now, I'm not just saying that because it didn't work when I tried it. I'm just speaking of logistics here.

What's the deal? The team with more fans that grow playoff beards wins? So if more people in Boston take a pass on hygiene, the Bruins will beat the Sabres in the first round? But if Sabres fans throw away their razors, the good guys win?

I've always wondered if the playoff beards are made moot if you wear the same pair of socks for every playoff game. And does the whole “socks” thing matter if you eat the same dinner before every game? And does where you eat outweigh what shoe you put on first?

I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't buy into the whole superstition. About playoff beards, pre-game meals or stinky socks. For that matter, I don't worry about ladders, black cats or mirrors. I do throw salt over my shoulder, but only because it's fun to do.

I step on cracks. I leave pennies on the ground. And I don't make wishes at the first star of the evening.

Of course, pennies, cracks, cats and ladders don't have you walking around looking like a complete goofball, not having shaven in days … or weeks if your team is having a good playoff run.

And that brings me to point two of why playoff beards are just silly; people who look good in beards already have them. While people who don't look good in beards shouldn't try to.

You can always tell the “playoff beard” apart from the regular ones. They're worn by guys in three piece suits wearing Rolex watches … but who look homeless from the neck up. They're often accompanied by dark blotches or bags under their wearer's eyes, a tell-tale sign of the lack of sleep they've gotten from worrying if their playoff beard is powerful enough … or maybe just from itching.

Now, look – I'm not telling anyone not to wear a playoff beard. Do whatever floats your boat. But don't get overly upset when I mock you for it.

That said, to those of you who will be sporting the seasonal facial hair, I hope you wear it for 16 wins.

Side note: You would have known my position on playoff beards Sunday night if you were following me on Twitter. I have several 140 character rambles a day there. Twitter.com/scottleffler

Second side note: The apartment thing did work out. I typed today's column in the dining room of my new home. You would have known that too if you were following me on Twitter.