Tuesday, February 11, 2003

What about grapity grape?

Last week, we increased the nation's terror alert level from yellow to orange.

Attorney General John Ashcroft cited an ‘‘increased likelihood’’ that the al-Qaida terror network would attack against Americans, either at home or abroad.

The alert has been at lemony yellow, or ‘‘elevated,’’ which is the middle of a five-point scale of risk developed after the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks. It was last raised to orange a day before the first anniversary of the attacks, where it remained for two weeks. The highest alert level is red.

The color-coded system has been confusing for many, needless to say.

I know that red light is stop and green light is go, but I always forget if blue light is jog or skip.

I know that for some of you, blue light precedes "special," but at the Leffler household, Blue Light is a proper noun and goes best with pizza.

If we were smart, we'd have a purple horseshoes since horseshoes are lucky and luck tends to thwart terror attacks better than government spending.

Of course, you can't leave out "Soylent Green," which, as we all know, is made of people.

For those who didn't know, I'm sorry. I just ruined a bad movie for you.

Ashcroft, also known as Big Brother would tell you that the red condition is most severe, but we all know that Centrum Silver is what we really have to worry about.

I say we just call in Jesse Jackson and his Rainbow Coalition and have them fix everything.

Or as Kermit said, "Some day we'll find it. The rainbow connection. For lovers. For dreamers. And me."

Of course, Kermit also said, "It's not easy being green."

Green, though, is the lowest risk condition there is. Nothing should be easier than green.

If I was doing the color system, it would be all earth tones — taupes and grays. They're more pleasing on the eye.

Of course, they may not be as easy to discern on MSNBC. Especially if your television screen is off kilter.

Or, heaven forbid you still have a black and white TV.

I can just picture it: "Hello. This is Brian Williams. Today we're at dark gray, a step down from really dark gray, but its still more of a threat than just gray. Of course, folks, we haven't been at white since Sept. 10, 2001."

I'm thinking that Barbie pink means we should go out and love one another. So does aqua marine, but in another, more adult way (think the '60s).

Let's not forget purple haze (another product of the '60s). I think our president might still be in a purple haze, actually.

While were discussing music colors, I always liked raspberry beret. The kind you find at a second-hand Iraqi store because Saddam doesn't want people to think he's gone fem.

Oh, and on Iraq, I want to know if the Iraqis have their own terror code for the "likelihood" that the American military will drop bombs on their cities.

If so, I wonder how long its been at "there's no stopping these lunatic Republicans."

I know the prez wants to color code Iraq, too.

First blood red.

Then white.